Gaara and the Beast
by Nilofer
Summary: In which Gaara is stalked, Kankuro is afraid, Temari is annoyed and there is a manic rabid fangirl and her Marysue OC on the loose


_This is not so much a serious fanfic as a parody of one and all OC/MarySue love interests. Hence, as comments such as 'fanfic' and 'OC love subjects' should suggest, this takes place in the "fanfiction" universe, not the normal Naruto one – characters take part in fanfics, there are fangirl writers and OC love interests and when a character does something out of character it is called OOC because, unlike the normal Naruto universe, the characters know about such things and…yeah. It's basically a fanfic on crack. Stupid._

_Unfortunately, I do not own Gaara, Kankuro or anything else involving Naruto. (c) **Masashi Kishimoto**_

**CHAPTER 1: In which our fanfic takes root**

It was a Saturday morning when he decided to murder his brother. Given the prospective murder and the soon to be gently cooling corpse who had once been his so-called brother, this wasn't unusual, in fact, it was somewhat routine. Every Saturday, without fail, a murder pledge would be made by the redheaded younger brother and every Saturday said elder brother somehow managed to escape with his life, if not his dignity and certainly not his sanity, intact. Gaara doubted that Kankuro could even spell 'dignity'; even less likely was it that he knew what it was.

What was it that said brother had done this morning? There was a suspiciously Kankuro-free breakfast table, even though said breakfast had been clearly eaten or, likely as it was, inhaled in the passing. It was the lack of his older sibling which had first alerted the redhead to the fact that something was afoot. Green eyes scanned the surrounding area for whatever idiotic thing that Kankuro had done and drew a blank. There was no chaos, no noise, no mess. Nothing.

"…" Even –he- was somewhat perturbed by this fact. Kankuro was not the most intelligent individual to bless the human race and he generally walked around with some kind of deathwish – one that was scrawled on his forehead in three inch high, spiky, neon red capital letters. Moreover, he wasn't normally this cunning in the little things which he did, mainly unwittingly, to annoy his younger brother. He - knowing that Gaara was attempting to correct his former murderous ways and knowing that when Gaara added his name to a hitlist and broke his resolution, Temari would step in – would ransack Gaara's room, steal the prized reclaimed childhood teddy bear that Gaara claimed to no longer have, hide his puppets in Gaara's closet, leave crumbs in his room…sing at the dinner table… disrupt his paperwork… chew his carefully marked executive pencils and generally make a fool of himself. Nothing that could exactly be called tactful.

What Gaara did not know was that Kankuro was not there because Kankuro had done something "Very. Bad." And was now hiding under his bed and holding his breath. This was mainly because there was something furry and squishy sharing the same floor space as him (he discovered it when he put his hand in it whilst diving under said bed) but largely this time because he didn't want to be found. He was adamant that not even the hounds of hell would drag him out from there… especially after what he had just seen. Just let walk through the front door.

-Flashback-

The doorbell rang. In years before, the doorbell had never rang because the Hidden Sand residents had taken one look at Gaara and run a while and when it did ring, they had answered the door to what was effectively a scorched line and puff of dust which lay in the wake of a terrified villager. However, in more recent…weeks… it had been quite an active little doorbell, what with all the characters, brats and all who had been popping in for various fanfics and social calls, and so it was worn out and now sounded like a strangled cat.

Kankuro had answered the door cautiously. He expected the regular fanfic crew to be visiting as per usual – Naruto, Shikamaru (who, in Kankuro's opinion, spent too much time round there with a certain older sister for his liking), Sakura… Lee… Kankuro shuddered violently.

Some fanfics were quite graphic, some were mentally scarring. It had been the first and only time he had ever answered the door to Lee. After that, he had spent a period time under the table shivering and muttering to himself, only emerging for food and calls of nature, screaming whenever the doorbell rang. It was a miracle he hadn't gone blind, but, au contraire to whatever Temari insisted, he was –not- over it. He still had horribly vivid nightmares and jumped when the doorbell rang and either avoided eye contact with Lee completely or shouted 'Keep the hell away from my little brother!!!" or, more commonly, "Keep the hell away from ME!!!" as he passed the offending individual at high speed.

Hence it was that he had answered the door with his eyes half closed, ready to slam them shut if he saw something mentally scarring. He could, however, not in his deepest nightmares imagine what some crazed, obsessive fangirl had released on the Sand Siblings. When he did, however, he wished that it had been an inappropriate Lee outside the door instead of….THAT.

-End flashback-

Kankuro whimpered and clamped his eyes shut with excessive force when he heard the shout from downstairs, the shout of a startled and angry Gaara, and a series of crashes and thuds.

Although Gaara was undoubtedly furious, it was unlikely that he'd manage to hit…it… for it was the creation of a psychotic fangirl and could not possibly die. Not in the first chapter. It'd much rather have a dramatic death rescuing Gaara, leaving him heartbroken and suicidal, which, of course, would never happen. Kankuro whimpered again and opened one eye again at an even louder crash and the tinkle of what suspiciously sounded like cutlery. Ah, so they were in the kitchen, were they?

Kankuro being a man of actions rather then words, had only two questions – the first being 'Where the hell is Temari?' and 'How the hell did it get in the house in the first place?'. He had a creeping feeling that Temari was probably otherwise disposed (probably with Shikamaru, Kankuro realised, gritting his teeth) due to the fact that she was detrimental to whatever mad scheme said fangirl had in mind. Temari could deal with all sorts. The second…well… he didn't even want to think about it. It was probably a whatdyamacallit… a thingymabob… a "deus ex ma-chi-na".

His uncharacteristic ponderings were interrupted Gaara crashing into his room. The door was slammed closed and pinned with Gaara's sand while…it… hammered on the other side. Kankuro could hear it vaguely, it sounded as if it was saying 'Gaara-kun', but his straining to decode more was interrupted by a kick to the ribs as Gaara dragged him out from under his bed. Kankuro was soon nose to nose with a furious and harassed looking Kazekage who wasted no time in manoeuvring his brother's arms (read: attempting to bend them at an angle which was physically possible whilst Kankuro squirmed and tried to free himself) in order to make him block his ears. The terrible noise died down.

After a number of minutes which were tense and lingering, 'it' apparently decided to give up or grew bored and went away. There was no more noise, no more 'Gaara-kun'-ing or whining or scrabbling and Gaara decided that it was apparently safe to beat his brother to a bloody pulp. With no Temari around, he was quite content to break his resolution to cut down on the murdering and homicide and actually try to rebuild his relations with his siblings. In fact, there was nothing he wished for more then he wished that he could kill Kankuro at that moment in time.

Removing his own fingers from his ears, he glowered up at the older sibling and, well, seethed. Kankuro could knock his paperwork over, drink the last cup of coffee, destroy his room and touch his stuff, buuuut… this time the moron had gone too far. Gaara had come to grudgingly respect his brother – he might be stupid, but this had never been when it counted (at such times, Kankuro had proven to be unforeseeably cunning), he was a good ninja and, as he had come to see, a good brother despite the fact that whilst Kankuro no longer wet his bed at night in fear of his younger brother, he now proved to be a complete and utter pain – but this time… well… this time… Gaara didn't know what to think. He was at a loss.

"One would think," he managed at last in a low, furious purr that was more like his old self, "that after that unfortunate Lee incident," – he smirked at his brother's reaction to the mere mention of the incident – " that you'd look out of the window first to see who it was –before- answering the door"

Kankuro merely looked at him in a kind of startled goldfish manner. It was almost like they'd stepped back in time. "Come on, Gaara… I don't know what happened. I thought they were extinct…as far as I understood, the last one was killed by that Sasuke guy in some kind of badly thought out ploy. H-how was I meant to know?"

Gaara shrugged and glowered around his brother's littered room which was a mix apparent chaos and actual order, he was assured. His brother's puppets and tools lay in the most apparently organised section of the room in good collection – they were, after all, his prized possessions and he was fastidious in making sure they stayed in the best condition possible. He quirked a none-existent brow, wondering if he'd seen the puppets downstairs earlier and assumed that Kankuro must have rescued them before diving upstairs to hide.

"You're sure we can't kill it?" He asked, green-hued eyes asking his brother for assurance. He wouldn't naturally ask Kankuro but he trusted Kankuro and…well…his brother was the nearest source of advise. His heart was in the right place and his suggestions were right more then wrong; when he was wrong, it was usually to see what would happen, and not even Kankuro would do –that- in such a situation.

Kankuro looked dubious. He mulled it over. "Must be able to. After all, look at all the ninja who killed their assigned…OC love subjects. I just think we're going at it the wrong way. I guess you can't just kill them on sight, little bro"

"…" They were, Gaara supposed, wise words, or, at least, pseudo-wise words from a man who one wouldn't accuse of being even vaguely wise. "We catch it first. And then we get Temari, regardless of whether she's mid fanfic or not"

Disturbing Temari mid fanfic was nothing short of suicide, but so was arguing with Gaara. Kankuro nodded and cast a glare at the door, through which, the sound of padding feet could be heard as –it- returned.

------------------------------------------------------------------x---------------------------------------------------------------

Name: Saruko Nakamura (previously Epiphany Nexis)


End file.
